split faith

my parents were divorced; split faith, is that a thing?
half mormon, half catholic -- depends on the weekend.

i've been stoned for 25 years.  
smoking weed doesn't make me a cool dad -- they know.
kids theses days either smoke weed, or juul.
cigarettes are no longer on the spectrum.

i've got a 22 y/o, 15 y/o, and 14 y/o.
only smoked with the middle kid --
divided love, is that a thing?

we raised them as cafeteria catholics;
you know, pick and choose when we go to church.
christmas and easter.  is that a thing?

their mom left 2 years ago
and the oldest didn't come home for a month.
the heartbreak was so intense, 
he converted faith as a coping mechanism.

i asked him how meditation was going
and out came a seemingly rehearsed;
almost sing-songy response about the elements
as he closed his eyes
and 
      all 
           the 
                 world 
was shut out

nashville

Got a wake up call extra early this morning cause she's two hours ahead and an early riser.

"Have you ever smoked first thing in the morning?  I'm walking around the neighborhood, listening to music, and I've never felt happier.  I get why people wake and bake."

She hung up on me before I could answer so I went back to sleep.

Having cancer does not make you a saint —but what I hate most is how everyone treats me -- as if I’m some fragile sculpture.  He’s so beautiful, so smart, so thoughtful — nah, nah I’m still that asshole who stole your parking spot last week you mother fucker. 

I had an uncle who’d gone religious after they told him he was 100% cancer free.  With this triumph came an overdeveloped sense of self importance — and everyone paid attention.  No, people don’t change that much.

At any rate, I’ve never been comfortable with weed; it pulls me in two completely different dimensions; just unpredictable.  

When the apocalypse settles; will I remember to move the car in time for street sweeping?

the coffee wasn't bad

what kept us coming back
was that there was never a line
...and the lack of human investment

no one ever asked us how we're doing
what our plans were for the day,
the night,
the weekend.

we looked into their eyes
and saw the wall right behind them

no, it wasn't like much of the neighborhood --
come to think of it,
it wasn't anything like the rest of the neighborhood;
cold,
ironic,
minimalist,
a sliver away from comically harsh

but it wasn't trying to be apart of the neighborhood;
no local ceramics,
zines,
tear-off ads for piano lessons

no one ever asked for our names --
this was never a place we'd let
our excitement percolate

deliver us
our large coffee;
half Ethiopian, half decaf --
trying to manage our anxiety

the first time they came in,

we thought they were yelpers--

you can usually spot them from a mile away

that gaze- 

severe, with no eye contact.

the way they studied the menu

hands buried in their pockets; 

never to leave their sides

wasn't until a few months in 

that we realized they're regulars

always paid cash

we never got a chance to 

catch the name on their card

and now too much time has gone by

and we don't have the heart to inform

we don't serve decaf

I knew an artist 

who painted faces from memory

I studied his pieces alone one night

focused on every detail down to the stroke

hair

pores

fuzz

freckles

made me feel even lonelier 

122818

In an effort to relate;

my dad started fist bumping me

instead of a casual hello,

a welcoming hug,

or a cold, cold handshake (his favorite)

In an effort for a more 

meaningful connection;

I go with it,

keeping a straight face, always.

This has been going on for 6 months.

~

white noise - love without sound

possibly the strangest, most psychic thing to ever happen to me ran its course today and i don't know what to make of it.

i wanted so badly to get my life back on track today; wake up early, and go on a run (which i haven't done since june).  i didn't do any of that.  instead i struggled to pull myself out of bed at 11 or noon, and went to civil for a coffee.

stopped in a shop on fig and bought some incense and noticed that the woman helping me out was wearing a jade bracelet (similar to mine) so i talked to her for a while about it and felt that it was a sweet connection and kinda cool coincidence considering she wasn't asian but had faith in such a relic.

made plans to meet with maddie at amara kitchen but i had time to kill so i kept walking around a bit then went to my car and had a burning desire to listen to a song i haven't heard in a while.  it's a fucking strange one; wouldn't be something i'd listen to on a whim: white noise 'love without sound'.  i mean, it's definitely not a song anyone would have stuck in their head, much less have a burning desire to blast on a short ride to breakfast (well, lunch at this point).

so i'm blasting this song in my car, driving down fig when i noticed olivia's shop was open -- i always thought she's closed on tuesdays.  flipped a bitch and got the parking spot right in front so i paid the meter and went in.  she was blasting the same song on her speakers!  i was so confused, i thought my bluetooth picked up on her speaker OR that it was playing from my phone cause my phone will do that sometimes but nope.  she said it's on her discover weekly and it's a strange one.  that blew me away.  i pulled out my phone to show her and it was indeed the first thing to pop open when i unlocked my phone.  that's got to be something, right?

in any case, we chatted and i left to get food with maddie and ran into my friend natasha.  we caught up for a bit when i noticed she was wearing a hair clip that i wanted so i pointed it out -- she said she got it at nonna (olivia's shop).

damn, is this jade bracelet really working?

Kodak Gold 200 with Olympus Infinity 200 - what happened here?

What is your commitment to the total human development?

My buddy Eric asked our group of friends this question over dinner a few months back and I constantly think about it.  Always repeating in the back of my brain and a reset button of sorts.

I don't know how this happened with the slit images; also, is it just me or is Maddie grabbing Reid's ear?

I love how even though we are all full grown adults, I still have the capacity to be a child with this crew.  

Cameron is a very talented photographer

In film school, they taught us to never wear clothing that would pick up strange on camera like tiny dots cause it could get jumpy on screen.  These two look good on film tho so fuck that noise.

Brian is the most positive person I've ever met.  I was talking to him about how I'm consistently impressed and surprised by my friends which is a liberating feeling and he went full cult leader status on me with his passion in the subject.  

Pretty drunk, pretty rad.  Law of attraction in a sense.

Sarah is seriously glowing!

The couple I'm always rooting for

Molly and I went to High School together -- kinda insane to me how we're just now starting to become friends.  She's so inspiring. 

Man I really hope he's doing well in Ventura -- I always so worried about him being lonely.  I had a dream the other night that he was trying so hard to prove to me that he has friends in his new town and I know he does but I can't help but still worry.  I know it's not my responsibility but I just want to know he's doing well there.

I wonder what they were talking about.

Man, they used to be roommates -- actually we all used to be roommates.  Crazy how much has changed but then again, so much has remained the same.

Kodak Gold 200 with Olympus Infinity 80

I can't remember who but someone told me about this place in Chinatown called CBS Seafood -- kinda dirty looking but they serve legit Dim Sum so I went to try it out and I gotta say, it's legit.  I took this photo cause the guy caught me off guard...you just don't see people fixate on much else besides their phone in the same way these days.

Lauren had her birthday dinner at Manuela and Anthony was in town for it.

Maddie invited me to a spa day thing and we got our hair braided -- I kept my braids in for 3 days.

This is me playing ping pong with the braids in -- day 2, I believe.

Ari was staying with me at the time and I came home late one night and she was already asleep.  She woke up in the morning and saw my braids in and was excited cause she thought I braided my own hair and was disappointed when she found out that wasn't the case.

The thing I'll miss the most about living in Long Beach is that no matter where you go, you'll always run into someone you know.  I guess LA is the same in a sense but not on this scale -- the community is just so much tighter for some reason.  Maybe cause we've all seen one another at our worst.

I played some records at Virgil Normal and these two came -- they had such cool cameras and were so sweet.

Solid crew rolled out as well -- I'm very fortunate.

Kirill looks like a kid in this pic.

I am so grateful Joe moved to Echo Park -- I was afraid I would feel so alone again but now that I know he's only 12 minutes awa, I can hit him up as often as I please.

Man, I've known Donny since I was 18 -- that's 12 years!  We've both changed so much.

Speaking of changes, I've only known Canh for a little over a year and I feel like in that year, we've both changed so much.  I'm so lucky.

Aslan was rolling through and I asked him to meet me at the Prospector for a drink.  We were having a very serious conversation at this dirty bar when Disturbed 'Down with the Sickness' started playing in the background and I couldn't hold my attention cause I was instantly brought back to 2nd or 3rd grade when I used to call my crush, Jacob Emminger on the land line at my house and my 3 year old brother would pick up and sing the growling intro of that song on the phone and hang up.  How embarrassing that was back then but now it's funny but also sad cause I wish I had a better relationship with my brother today.  It's actually gotten much better this year, we've had a rich conversation this year and text from time to time so that's a huge improvement.

Black Bar is the new Pike Bar.

I was leaving LB one morning and rolled up next to this stranger who smiled at me so I smiled back and asked if I could take a picture of him.  I was feeling very vulnerable and alone that gloomy morning and he made that feeling go away.

There was a beautiful sunset and cause it was a bit cloudy, the sky lit up and looked gorgeous.

The next set of photos are from the road trip I took with Maddie to New Mexico.

Somewhere in Palm Springs -- I think this was in the back of a Del Taco.

We saw that Dashboard Confessional was playing at a venue near by so we got tickets but unfortunately, he had a family emergency so he didn't show.  It's OK cause it was still such an amazing show.  I've never heard of All Time Low before but they have great energy.

Oddly enough, these are photos on the Arco Santi property but I didn't take any photos of the building itself.  What was I thinking?

There was a photo of Vincent Gallo that had these same colors and when we stopped in New Mexico to get gas, I asked Maddie to take a photo -- I don't think she was feeling it but I really like how it came out.  Wish it was a bit more clear though.