7.15.2018

would my younger self be proud of me today?

i always thought that by the time i reached 30, i'd settle down, get married, and buy a house.  and with all the money i've saved and the friendships i've made, my younger self would be stoked but damn i feel so lost.  this mental health journey is a funny thing, isn't it?

i have to keep reminding myself that every thought i've processed is not always completely true -- like a fake british accent; it's still english, yeah?

let that loneliness you feel sink in; let it seep into your bones.  allow yourself  to feel increasingly alone.

if "all you need is love", then why isn't it easier for the rest of us?

i can't recall the last time i felt truly loved; truly wanted.  even by myself.

i can't remember the last time i felt emotionally satisfied.  it's so draining.

lots of people are in pain in all sorts of ways so i really have nothing to be sad about.  i'm so selfish for letting myself indulge in this feeling.  why do i let my mind drift in such troubling thoughts?  it's like a vital spark inside me has been extinguished.  to be the person no one's rooting for -- you know the feeling.  it visits me frequently, but especially every morning.  i can't even escape it in my sleep -- i have nightmares night after night.  i'm so tired of this feeling.  isn't sleep the cure for all catastrophes?

i need a vacation away from myself; absence defines importance, yeah?

7.11.2018

Lomography Simple Use Disposable Camera


I took some photos of Sam late February for for Urban Outfitters and Disposable Magazine but the camera got lost and they couldn't identify who these belonged to and the publication just came out and I didn't claim these in time.  I showed them to Sam and he said it's probably for the best.

I forgot how much I love disposable cameras -- they're fantastic.  Quality isn't the best but man, how rad is it to carry around a non-committal camera you can toss around, fuck up, possibly never even develop?  The cool thing about this one is that you can reload and keep shooting so technically, it's not very disposable.  You can use it again and again.

I want to practice taking more portraits -- haven't been motivated by anything lately and I think coming back from Europe this time around and having no concrete travel plans coming up -- this is a good time to hone in on all my hobbies, yeah?

Here are some things I can keep myself busy with:
youtube - edit that cue
photo - clear out cameras and film, take more photos 
write - well, read and write.  I've been sharing more of my written stuff
records - clear out, consolidate cause it's a wreck 

also:
sewing class - find a class and sign up
patchwork flag - break down collection of swatches
cookbook - get on it

7.09.2018

one pisces to another:

he spoke in a voice not of his own,
“you can see your future, can’t you?”

a cold calm sank as I thought hard.
when I was younger, 
I couldn’t picture myself at 30.
spent the last two years 
in modest indulgence 
advancing myself and still
can’t picture tomorrow

I’ve never been in a fight;
always thought that would be
a defining moment.

“we are born under a bad sign,
don’t you think?”,
he closed his eyes and all 
the world is shut out.

“being you is great; I wish I could be you more often”

6.30.2018

in dreams i walk with you

he drifts off to a dreamless sleep
and she wonders what
thoughts lie beneath his eyelids.

she remains awake wondering
for not much longer.
stumbles in the unfamiliar darkness
to find the bathroom, relieves herself,
and joins him back in bed
off to a dreamless sleep.

he awakes from the quake
and wonders what
thoughts lie beneath her eyelids.

6.29.2018

oxford, england

i smiled and waved at a
stranger on the ground floor.
he smiled and waved back.
i felt i owed him a clever reaction
but couldn't think quickly
so i reached for my phone
to offer an escape

i was told to write down every thought
i have throughout the day in single words
then recap the following morning

having a hard time puzzling words
into a single thought that would
merit a mention

it's the time difference,
it robs us of so much

6.27.2018

dehydration nation

if you are what you eat
and you eat a bag of dehydrated fruit
does that make you dehydrated?


6.26.2018

cook, clean, pay the rent

they shared stories
over stiff drinks and cigarettes,
a communal language
which you lack

what is it and 
what does it count?

remove yourself
and you'll fall deeper in love.
this is misplaced.
time will give you
a sense of spectrum.

know that no matter how
you feel now, you will feel
different with time
but also know that
there will always be
another war.


6.21.2018

what i talk about when i talk about running

what i talk about 
when i talk about running

07:50 turn on Idris Muhammad 'Loran's Dance' and start jogging.  This song is 10:39 and I think I finally have it all dialed.  It starts off mellow so I know I can ease into a run.

When the trumpet solo starts, that's when it's time to pick up the pace cause by the first vocal sigh, I need to switch to a sprint.  By the time the sax solo starts, I know I'm 3/4 of my way there so I'll adjust back to a mellow run cause by the time this solo is done, I've cleared a mile.

A little after 08:00 I should have arrived at Donny's and my reward is that I get to see Wednesday.  You know, timing was so much easier when I wasn't smoking.

I'll be better than I was.

6.20.2018

reek of bad faith

i’ve spend a lot of time alone and in my head; talking to myself.

from time to time, i'll catch it on video when i'm shooting and it's terrifying to watch myself when i'm editing.  i told my therapist cause i know how crazy i look and she told me that it's very common for people who were once left-handed.  she said that's why i stutter a lot too.  i repeat everything in my head, then mouth the words before i speak.

i said thats a load of shit and saw the disappointment in her face when i really meant to mouth the words.

i know i reek of bad faith

6.18.2018

tatami

i bought a bed frame
after my dad offered
to buy me a bed frame
when he saw my mattress
on the ground.

"you're a grown woman,
sleeping on the floor is a
metaphor for life"

i tried to explain to him
that that's what Japanese people
do and he explained to me that
we're not Japanese.

last night

you can’t tell time
in dreams, can you?

i woke from a dream;
you were sinking in quicksand
and i fell in trying to save you.

i felt a deep, tranquil warmth as we
sunk slowly and though you
were so desperate to break away,
i was calm cause i always knew,
especially as a kid,
that quicksand would be the way i'd go

don't be afraid,
lille venn,
of drowning

6.14.2018

keep it mellow

you knew i wasn't pregnant
cause i forgot to flush
and you were disgusted with
my blood and i knew you were
dehydrated cause of the same reason
so what difference does it make?

holy jim

the first time i did shrooms
you asked me for my favorite tea.
you used your roommate's coffee grinder,
pulsed the shrooms into dust
and didn't clean it out.

i wondered if he felt it in
his coffee the next morning.

i was laying on a rock,
looking up at the trees sway so vividly
like a moving painting when i started to cry
cause i had never and hadn't since
felt anything more majestic.

i looked over at you and
you were sitting on a branch
with your legs dangling
happy as a clam and i knew
that as much as i loved you then,
we will always be good friends.

new york pt.2

you lived in new york for what a decade?
i just couldn't see myself being there for long.

"i'll miss viet food too much"

and so you gave me detailed directions
with much enthusiasm.

"hop on this train,
transfer here,
get off there,
mind the gap, etc."

i thought it was cute how enthralled
you were with this chat.

"and you'll find yourself a little
hole-in-the-wall where you'll have
the best authentic vietnamese sandwich
of your life!"

so what's this place called?

"banh mi!"

new york pt.1

a stranger shot me a brief but meaningful glance

you told me that i'll witness public crying
and that it’s a real thing here
but to not console cause these people just want
to be left alone

it only took a couple days;
caught be off guard cause i always
imagined something more graceful,
like a silent sobb or a single tear

you then followed by telling me that that
would be me one day but you
didn't know that was me just three months later.

on that crowded subway after work,
i was enveloped with
a generous amount of loneliness.

these intimate moments
that were once relished
in the comfort of our living rooms,
in our kitchens,
the confinement of a loud, running shower

not in new york --
this city is our bedroom
this city is our personal space.

meditation for the nation

the last thing i can remember from my therapist
before we parted ways was that she told me to start meditating.
she gave me some pointers but nothing i retained.
"this will quiet the voices in your head"

every time i try to meditate, i fall asleep.

does smoking count as meditation if
it offers me a chance to step outside myself
and focus on my breathing?

a helicopter woke me up from
my deep meditation and there were
5 or so dead ants on my picnic blanket.
not very namaste IMO

an ounce of guilt rushed over me
when i rolled over to check my email.

five pounds of anxiety when
i saw my phone was on 5%.

am i doing this right?

before bed

i'd pay to feel.

i removed a contact from my right eye
and it fell on the counter.
unknowingly, i kept fishing it out
certain it was still there
until my eye stung and a single tear fell.

i can't help it if i've forgotten how to cry.

6.07.2018

the way things are

I wish I could meet you again
for the first time.
I'd do my best to not fall in
love cause we're so different
now and would have nothing
to talk about and
everything else to look forward to.

The way things were.

Portra 400 with the Olympus XA