would my younger self be proud of me today?

i always thought that by the time i reached 30, i'd settle down, get married, and buy a house.  and with all the money i've saved and the friendships i've made, my younger self would be stoked but damn i feel so lost.  this mental health journey is a funny thing, isn't it?

i have to keep reminding myself that every thought i've processed is not always completely true -- like a fake british accent; it's still english, yeah?

let that loneliness you feel sink in; let it seep into your bones.  allow yourself  to feel increasingly alone.

if "all you need is love", then why isn't it easier for the rest of us?

i can't recall the last time i felt truly loved; truly wanted.  even by myself.

i can't remember the last time i felt emotionally satisfied.  it's so draining.

lots of people are in pain in all sorts of ways so i really have nothing to be sad about.  i'm so selfish for letting myself indulge in this feeling.  why do i let my mind drift in such troubling thoughts?  it's like a vital spark inside me has been extinguished.  to be the person no one's rooting for -- you know the feeling.  it visits me frequently, but especially every morning.  i can't even escape it in my sleep -- i have nightmares night after night.  i'm so tired of this feeling.  isn't sleep the cure for all catastrophes?

i need a vacation away from myself; absence defines importance, yeah?


Lomography Simple Use Disposable Camera

I took some photos of Sam late February for for Urban Outfitters and Disposable Magazine but the camera got lost and they couldn't identify who these belonged to and the publication just came out and I didn't claim these in time.  I showed them to Sam and he said it's probably for the best.

I forgot how much I love disposable cameras -- they're fantastic.  Quality isn't the best but man, how rad is it to carry around a non-committal camera you can toss around, fuck up, possibly never even develop?  The cool thing about this one is that you can reload and keep shooting so technically, it's not very disposable.  You can use it again and again.

I want to practice taking more portraits -- haven't been motivated by anything lately and I think coming back from Europe this time around and having no concrete travel plans coming up -- this is a good time to hone in on all my hobbies, yeah?

Here are some things I can keep myself busy with:
youtube - edit that cue
photo - clear out cameras and film, take more photos 
write - well, read and write.  I've been sharing more of my written stuff
records - clear out, consolidate cause it's a wreck 

sewing class - find a class and sign up
patchwork flag - break down collection of swatches
cookbook - get on it