what i talk about when i talk about running

what i talk about 
when i talk about running

07:50 turn on Idris Muhammad 'Loran's Dance' and start jogging.  This song is 10:39 and I think I finally have it all dialed.  It starts off mellow so I know I can ease into a run.

When the trumpet solo starts, that's when it's time to pick up the pace cause by the first vocal sigh, I need to switch to a sprint.  By the time the sax solo starts, I know I'm 3/4 of my way there so I'll adjust back to a mellow run cause by the time this solo is done, I've cleared a mile.

A little after 08:00 I should have arrived at Donny's and my reward is that I get to see Wednesday.  You know, timing was so much easier when I wasn't smoking.

I'll be better than I was.


reek of bad faith

i’ve spend a lot of time alone and  in my head; talking to myself.

from time to time, i'll catch it on video when i'm shooting and it's terrifying to watch myself when i'm editing.  i told my therapist cause i know how crazy i look and she told me that it's very common for people who were once left-handed.  she said that's why i stutter a lot too.  i repeat everything in my head, then mouth the words before i speak.

i said thats a load of shit and saw the disappointment in her face when i really meant to mouth the words.

i know i reek of bad faith



i bought a bed frame
after my dad offered
to buy me a bed frame
when he saw my mattress
on the ground.

"you're a grown woman,
sleeping on the floor is a
metaphor for life"

i tried to explain to him
that that's what Japanese people
do and he explained to me that
we're not Japanese.

last night

you can’t tell time
in dreams, can you?

i woke from a dream;
you were sinking in quicksand
and i fell in trying to save you.

i felt a deep, tranquil warmth as we
sunk slowly and though you
were so desperate to break away,
i was calm cause i always knew,
especially as a kid,
that quicksand would be the way i'd go

don't be afraid,
lille venn,
of drowning


keep it mellow

you knew i wasn't pregnant
cause i forgot to flush
and you were disgusted with
my blood and i knew you were
dehydrated cause of the same reason
so what difference does it make?

holy jim

the first time i did shrooms
you asked me for my favorite tea.
you used your roommate's coffee grinder,
pulsed the shrooms into dust
and didn't clean it out.

i wondered if he felt it in
his coffee the next morning.

i was laying on a rock,
looking up at the trees sway so vividly
like a moving painting when i started to cry
cause i had never and hadn't since
felt anything more majestic.

i looked over at you and
you were sitting on a branch
with your legs dangling
happy as a clam and i knew
that as much as i loved you then,
we will always be good friends.

new york pt.2

you lived in new york for what a decade?
i just couldn't see myself being there for long.

"i'll miss viet food too much"

and so you gave me detailed directions
with much enthusiasm.

"hop on this train,
transfer here,
get off there,
mind the gap, etc."

i thought it was cute how enthralled
you were with this chat.

"and you'll find yourself a little
hole-in-the-wall where you'll have
the best authentic vietnamese sandwich
of your life!"

so what's this place called?

"banh mi!"

new york pt.1

a stranger shot me a brief but meaningful glance

you told me that i'll witness public crying
and that it’s a real thing here
but to not console cause these people just want
to be left alone

it only took a couple days;
caught be off guard cause i always
imagined something more graceful,
like a silent sobb or a single tear

you then followed by telling me that that
would be me one day but you
didn't know that was me just three months later.

on that crowded subway after work,
i was enveloped with
a generous amount of loneliness.

these intimate moments
that were once relished
in the comfort of our living rooms,
in our kitchens,
the confinement of a loud, running shower

not in new york --
this city is our bedroom
this city is our personal space.

meditation for the nation

the last thing i can remember from my therapist
before we parted ways was that she told me to start meditating.
she gave me some pointers but nothing i retained.
"this will quiet the voices in your head"

every time i try to meditate, i fall asleep.

does smoking count as meditation if
it offers me a chance to step outside myself
and focus on my breathing?

a helicopter woke me up from
my deep meditation and there were
5 or so dead ants on my picnic blanket.
not very namaste IMO

an ounce of guilt rushed over me
when i rolled over to check my email.

five pounds of anxiety when
i saw my phone was on 5%.

am i doing this right?

before bed

i'd pay to feel.

i removed a contact from my right eye
and it fell on the counter.
unknowingly, i kept fishing it out
certain it was still there
until my eye stung and a single tear fell.

i can't help it if i've forgotten how to cry.


the way things are

I wish I could meet you again
for the first time.
I'd do my best to not fall in
love cause we're so different
now and would have nothing
to talk about and
everything else to look forward to.

The way things were.

Portra 400 with the Olympus XA

Kodak ColorPlus 200 with the Olympus Infinity 80

I bought a 10 pack off Amazon of the wrong film -- go figure.  What I swear I bought was Kodak Gold 200 but I'm not mad at these photos.  Red eye reduction would've come in handy.

Sketch night at The Hawk in LB.  Joe's bedroom eyes got the best of him.

Angel, Kyle, and Brian.

Donny Hunt

Brian and Khoa -- we all played a weird set that night.  Not stoked on it.

The next few images were from an event with Glossier at Tenants of the Trees.  I got sick that night and ended up laying down in the back smoking patio and all my friends hid me so I wouldn't have to be social.  Ended up heading out early at 9:45 and then passing out on my couch in HP until 1 or 2 in the morning, then driving back to LB.  It was a very social night but I felt so lonely.

^Joanna had the best glittery eyeshadow situation on that night.

Canh was my +1...he really should start a beauty YouTube cause he's been going to a lot of events with Maddie and me.  I really like that Maddie has been hanging out with the people who mean the most to me even when I'm not around -- I think she's the only friend I have who has made an effort to get to know everyone on a personal level without me around.  That's rad.

Joanna, Canh, Maddie, and Kelly.

Some dude and Austin.  That canvas jacket is so cool.

David and Angela

Joellen, her man (don't remember his name), and Maddie.

Austin on the smoking patio that I passed out on.

Shakah Canh mansplaining

Maddie got a PJ set from Lisa Says Gah and asked me to shoot her so I did as soon as I got back from Seattle.  Violet is so cute in these photos too.