5.12.2017

marco polo, mariage frères

I met with a doctor a couple weeks ago who told me that the reason why a lot of freelancers go into depression is not because of financial instability; it's because they're not on a schedule so our bodies go into shock. 

She said to try for a couple weeks to wake up at the exact same time everyday, eat my meals, shower, get dressed and leave the house.  I think the showering and getting dressed part is the hardest because there are days where I'll just be in my PJs and on my computer for 3 days in a row cause I have nowhere I need to be.  

Since the breakup, I've stopped drinking coffee and switched to black tea.  I'll wake up every morning around 6:30AM, pull myself out of bed and start the pot.  I'll put on a record, make a quick simple breakfast and load up on my vitamins.  I think this routine has been making a difference I feel a lot better than I thought I would be feeling.  I still feel a bit anxious but I'm sure the switch to black tea is making that feeling far less prominent.  I think this feeling is best described through this song: ESG 'U.F.O'.  It's a dull, empty, discomfort. 

In any case, I do physically (energy and such) feel better than I did or have ever felt so things are looking up.

mugs (left to right, top to bottom): HEA Ceramics, Hasami, thrifted (signed "Butcher"), HEA Ceramics, EXP by Peter Shire, thrifted (signed "RJN"), Hasami, thrifted (looks like the mug from Twin Peaks), thrifted (signed "SKP").

5.07.2017

Wednesday -- Canon A1 with Ilford HP5 Plus 400

She's just so beautiful to me.  I think I'm ready for a dog.

Ian Sullivan -- Canon A1 with Ilford HP5 Plus 400




Ian is my best friend.  Lets start from the bottom; he bought a bowling ball and wanted to practice early one Sunday morning cause it's only a dollar a game before 9AM or something like that I can't remember the details.  I didn't want to bowl so I just watched and he said that if I came with him, he'd take me to breakfast at the diner attached to the bowling spot.  I knew I should've changed the exposure cause you can't see shit.  

The picture thats all messed up where his glasses are all glared out -- I think we went to Federal Bar for lunch that day.  Or maybe we went to a car show down at the lighthouse?  Whatever that was, I wonder why it turned out that this?

Ian took me to a mechanic shop which I imagine is like a Sephora for men.  Boring AF but I always put up with it.  

The first photo is in his old BMW waiting to get a carwash.  Dude cut us off and Ian gave him shit about it so dude left apologizing.  Me, I would've been passive aggressive and I dunno, glared at dude.  This one time in Portland we were waiting to use the bathroom and this girl walked in front of us and Ian was like "hey are you waiting to use the bathroom?  Cause so are we!"  Woah man, that was rad cause I would've never confronted a stranger.  I have a photo of that time in a few posts down below.  Keep scrolling.  In any case, maybe that's why I keep winning at Cards Against Humanity; I'm a fucking people pleaser.  Maybe thats why I love labrador retrievers so much.

selfies -- Canon A1 with Ilford HP5 Plus 400

Lauren gave me that plant in the first photograph.  It means so much to me cause she gave it to me the first time Ian and I called it quits.  That was a miserable time; I felt so so lost.  That plant was only 4" when I first got it and now it's crazy long, you have to wrap it around itself and up the wall!  I really want it back but I'm such a fucking Indian giver sometimes, I need to work on this so now Ian has it 5eva.  I have 2 at my apartment now but they will never be quit as meaningful.      

Caitlin Shannahan -- Canon A1 with Ilford HP5 Plus 400

Caitlin is like an angel in the first photograph.  I love pictures with mirrors in the background or around...captures the mise en scene or something like that.  It's like when you're watching an old-timey film and they have a couple talk to one another but looking at each other through a mirror.  I always thought that would make telling the truth easier cause you're not technically looking them in the eye.  There's a song I forget by who but it goes something like this: "it's hard to look you in the face when we are talking so it helps to have a mirror in the room".

Julie Gram -- Canon A1 with Ilford HP5 Plus 400

Julie Gram; I was in Nashville when I saw Julie post a photo sharing that she is there as well.  I'm so happy we got to spend time together that day.

Jeanette Sawyer -- Canon A1 with Ilford HP5 Plus 400

Jeannette in her studio.  My contacts were fucking blurry and sticking to my eyeballs cause I've been crying so these photos came out really blurry.  So bummed cause she's such a pretty girl and I didn't capture that on film.  I do have digital photos too so hopefully those are alright.

Tim in the front yard -- Canon A1 with Ilford HP5 Plus 400

Tim has been working on this chair for the past couple days.  I wonder if he'll ever finish.  He's got a boatload of wood to build my new record credenza thing -- chop chop, Tim!

Valerie Carisma -- Canon A1 with Ilford HP5 Plus 400

My front yard.

Portraits -- Canon A1 with Ilford HP5 Plus 400

Austin Leis is an incredible human being.  Also does amazing impersonations of East Coast peeps.

Chrystene Ai Newman just autocorrected to "Christine" a second ago when I was typing her name back.  Theres was a time when she didn't like her freckles.  That's fucked up.

Tim had his heart ripped out about 5 years ago and so he left for New York to start his life over.  He went by "Timmy" when I knew him best -- those few years really changed him from a smiley, quiet guy into a more serious, stoic version of himself.  He came with no inheritance, no entitlement, no privilege.  I loved the old Timmy but I have to say, I thoroughly respect the new Tim.  I can't tell if he's happy but I really hope he will be some day.

Ben is another New Yorker who is convinced that if he moves to California maybe in August, he'll find true love and happiness.  He told himself "I'll find love in California" -- what a strange concept.  I really hope he does and finds California not too sterile when he extends his stay.

Tony V!  JK he hates it when I call him that.  Anthony Valadez is the definition of "community".  If one day he chooses to run for mayor, he will win all our hearts. 

Austin's last name is pronounced "lease"...like when you lease a car.  I wonder if he's ever done that.

Micheal; brevity is the soul of wit.

Chris has such a deep passion for what he does.  I truly respect that.  I'm glad we became friends.  

Ah shit, I don't remember her name...super sweet girl with a difficult name to remember.  I think it was something that rhymed with Denise or Patrice?  No clue.  She's Chris' girl.  Brought me donuts.  

Valerie Carisma; the second photo of Val has got to be my favorite portrait although the film scanned with some white specs.  I don't want to fuck with editing so here it is in all its glory.  

Val Carisma -- Olympus Infinity Mini with Fujifilm Superia X-TRA 400

Val came over the other day and we killed the two rolls in my 2 cameras to go and develop.  It was really nice to see her and I desperately needed a distraction.

Man, that living room is a mess.  My room is a fucking mess right now too.  I feel like I have all the time in the world right now to finally make this place a home but I don't want to do anything but sulk and listen to music.

My buddy Mike unloaded all his records on me a couple weeks ago and in this photo I had just started to alphabetize them.  I finished last night and am waiting on my roommate to build a new shelf cause I hate this Ikea one I have.  I feel like I took over the living room completely cause Tim has absolutely none of his stuff out here.  Sometimes I really miss having Donny as a roommate.

Here's what I'll do.  I'm going to go ham on plants and make the living room a jungle again.  Hopefully this time around, if we have a problem with that virus that went around killing all the plants, I'll be more invested and more keen on getting to the root of the problem (see what I did there?).  This time around, I'm going to do everything to save them and not throw them away.  

Liam's 1 Year -- Olympus Infinity Mini with Fujifilm Superia X-TRA 400

Khoa and I became friends almost a a decade ago when he came into the hat shop I worked at and we hit it off.  We were having a 3-year anniversary party for the shop so I told him to come.  He did and met my sister Linda and exchanged numbers.  I think they went on a date or maybe it was just a couple phone-calls but it just didn't work out.  Linda said he was too "artsy" and I said go fuck yourself cause at the time I didn't really get along with Linda.  I was so stupid and angry back then, I don't know why I had such a deep resentment for just about everyone in my family.  So stupid and so much wasted time.  I feel really awful about it now cause I missed out on so much growing up.

In any case, Khoa had a night at Mesa (I think it was also post-punk night) and invited Nick and I to come.  We thought he was the coolest so we went.  Khoa would come by to the Lab where we worked and would just hang out consistently for the next few years.  I think at the time he had just left his graphic design job at Volcom and was about to spend a few months traveling.  There was an unsettled way about him at the time.  

Khoa was my favorite person to practice my cartoon drawings on cause he has such distinct features. I'm grateful we are still friends.  He always introduces me to the coolest music and I think he's a true kid at heart.  He collects a ton of random things too so when his birthday rolls around, he's the easiest person to shop for.  

Khoa introduced me to his friend Lucy about 6 or 7 years ago; she had just bought this house in Long Beach and was renting out a room so that's where I came in.  I think I only stayed there about 3 months cause the commute was brutal and it was a strange time in my life.  I had a cat and she had a really old dog and they would always sleep on or next to each other.  It was really sweet.  Funny story: when Ian and I first started dating, it was New Years and I took him home and there was a giant turd on my bed from her dog cause I guess dogs get really scared with all the fireworks and shit/pee everywhere.  Apparently, it's like the apocalypse for them.  If I ever get a dog, I'm going to make sure it stays with me during those hard times.

Liam is her precious son; the sweetest thing.  I can tell he's going to be a good looking kid.

Wednesday the Neighborhood Cat Watch -- Olympus Infinity Mini with Fujifilm Superia X-TRA 400

She's got to be the most beautiful dog I've ever seen in my life.  I know I said this before but I always take at least a couple photos of her on every roll.  Donny is the world's luckiest dog owner.  

I've been thinking about it more and more and I think I'm ready for a dog.  I want some responsibility and to take care of something and it may be time; I think I could use that companionship as well.  The only thing that is really holding me back is the fact that I have zero discipline and I know I'd raise a brat.  Maybe it's time to give cats another try?  

Ian's BMW Project -- Olympus Infinity Mini with Fujifilm Superia X-TRA 400

I've dated Ian for about 6 years and he never ceases to amaze me with all the random hobbies and interests he picks up.  In the beginning, he had a Mazda (like a new car) I hated.  I have no idea why but every time I took a ride in that car I felt nauseous and he never believed me.  He just sold it and bought two old cars.  This BMW is so sketchy but it's my favorite and I can tell he really enjoys working on it cause his feet dangle from underneath the car; like a puppy on its back all content and stuff.  He taught me how to drive a stick shift in 10 minutes when he was drunk once -- that amount of patience (even drunk) still makes me laugh when I think about it. 

I don't know when he'll finish this car.  We called it quits a couple days ago so it's really none of my business anymore.  I don't know if you can tell but I'm going through a really difficult time coping but in all honesty; I thought it would be much much worse so I'm thankful for the time we had and hope that one day we'll both find happiness and feel balanced.

Cards Against Humanity -- Olympus Infinity Mini with Fujifilm Superia X-TRA 400

I went to Brian's apartment a couple weeks ago after Lynnsee's Anese event at Urban Outfitters in Newport Beach.  I had no idea Brian lives with Chris -- such a sweet guy.  

We sat around a circle table and played Cards Against Humanity.  I've only played once before this -- I think this is my favorite game cause I won both times I played.  It's like a battle of the wits or something.  I told Caitlin about this cause I don't ever play board games and she said she always wins at this game too so one day, we need to get a big group together and battle it out.  We have the same sense of humor so it'll be cool to see.