4.11.2011

the world won't listen.

My doctor informed me of my “really high blood pressure” today.

He then rushed a series of rehearsed questions.  Since my last checkup, a lot has changed.

I’ve become increasingly reluctant to make these bi-annual trips to his office because every time I come, I feel as though I’ve become more and more of a disappointment.  Perhaps this is how Catholics feel about attending confession.  I can’t be too sure.

In any case, today everything was rushed.  He drew more blood than he has before and left me little to no room to ask him about my condition.

So I left a bit anxious, after realizing that I should grab a quick lunch for I’ve been up quite sometime without any food in my system. 

I call Khoa and ask him if he’s at his usual coffee spot.  He is so I make my way over.

Khoa and I have a routine we’ve grown fond of.  I arrive while he’s working, I buy my coffee (always a medium redeye, black) and we both step outside and have a cigarette.  I think to myself, "This truly has become a routine" as I catch our reflection against the coffee shop’s window.

As we’re shooting the shit, I start to feel dizzy so I excuse myself to go to my parents and take a nap.

As I make my way into my parent’s neighborhood, I notice my father’s car blocking the driveway so I decide in a quick instant just to drive to my apartment in Long Beach.  Little did I know, this dizziness is about to overcome, so I circle the block once and make my way back. 

My father is now walking out to his car.  He notices me pulling-in and pauses for a quick moment, but only for a moment, and drives off.  We don’t make eye contact.

The dizziness is wearing me thin so I promptly make my way up to my old bedroom to lay on my old bed, still perfectly made, and doze off into oblivion.

In my dreams, I’m never dying.  In fact, I’m never dead.  This dream in particular left me completely dazed.  Shall I begin?

I’m walking around my childhood neighborhood on a sunny day.  I notice my shadow following me at an acute angle so I speed up my pace only to realize it’s still following closely.  I start to run, but I cannot escape so I decide I’ll levitate.  This I do upon demand but never higher than I intend.  I do however, leave my shadow behind to feel a deep relief.

Then I realize I’m heading in no direction in particular so I make my way back down to land in front of a building I feel all too familiar with, although this place does not exist in my present nor past.

I make my way into this cozy, well-lit apartment.  A mid-century woman, well-dressed and proper welcomes me as she addresses the back door of her kitchen.  I walk towards the door and look out to a wall covered in ivy and an elegant garden in between.

“If you look down to your left, those stairs lead into our basement.  What you need to do is walk up these wooden stairs to your right.”

This I do as she waits at the doorframe.  When I reach the top, I can hear her shout, “Walk up the spiral staircase!”.

There it was, the spiral staircase.  I make my way up to find a very long ladder at the top.  Her voice is now barely audible but I am aware of the pattern so I make my way up the long ladder and onto the roof of the building.

At the top, I can see everything.  I take this moment to breathe in deeply and look around.


For some reason I feel uneasy, as if I’m missing something.  At this moment, I realize I’m no longer in my body, I’m just a thought and what I’m seeing is merely a projection.

Swiftly, the projection makes its way down the ladder, circles down the long dark spiral staircase, down the wooden stairs, does not stop as we catch a glimpse of the woman leaning against the doorframe who is now looking down to her basement.  The projection nudges its way down and into the basement where my body rests, broken.  As if I've fallen.  Dead.

8 comments:

Summer said...

Wow. If that was a book I would turn the page. More? Book?

Shirl said...

You're doing a film major, right?
You are wasting your talents - I can see you as a short story writer.

You also have some fairly whacked dreams.

Also: high blood pressure? You are so young!

Aimless Dreamer said...

Write more please.

chrissstttiiine said...

That was just a dream, I woke up after that.

Aimless Dreamer said...

Yea, I know. I meant you should write more on anything that comes to your head. You have a way of telling a story. If I had the same dream, I don't think I would be able to write as well as you did.

le sophia said...

woah, thats quite scary...i hate dreams because they make you question your thoughts and make you think "why did i just dream that??" anywho, love your blog!

Cheyenne said...

I agree with Aimless Dreamer. Most times I don't even remember my dreams, and when I do, I would never be able to articulate them other than remembering it in my head. But the fact that you can write this out in such a grasping and even mysterious way is a true talent. Please think about furthering this gift by writing short stories, because I also enjoy your normal writing posts that don't involve dreams. Your the only fashion/make-up blogger that I truly enjoy to read up on other than fashion and make-up. :)

lechauchau said...

Hi Christine! I'm a follower on your youtube channel :).
Heh I know it's not impossible to have high blood pressure at such a young age. I'm 23 and I was diagnosed with high blood pressure last year. I hope you take care of your blood pressure and suggest you measure your blood pressure more often to save you from going to the doctors. >_< I hope it's just a little issue that won't last long for you!! Having high blood pressure and taking these awful meds is not fun! Save yourself while you can hahaha >_< I had a stroke without even knowing it. I hope you'll be careful and get well soon, Christie! :) Take care!!