The day I really broke my heart.

My fondest childhood memory found its way back to me today.

I woke up this morning feeling incredibly affectionate for the dreams I had the night before put me in that state of mind.  I can’t explain myself but I really just wanted to feel loved.  I do apologize for this post may seem a touch too vague.  It’s like when you go to read your own poetry; you get all choked up.  

Perhaps it’s the film I passed out to; perhaps it’s the lip staining wine I imbibed.

In any case, my fondest childhood memory found its way back to me today at the most untimely manner.  

So here I am, at war and writing down what I can remember.

When I was a child (4 or 5), all I wanted every night was to be able to sleep in the same room with my mother.  Whatever reason may be, I simply felt safe in her presence.

I would bleed overwhelming nightmares without the comfort of my mother.  These days, that same situation reigns true without the comfort of another.

My father was never empathetic of this habit.  You need to learn to be alone.  And so I would find myself less and less affectionate towards everything and everyone.

My mother use to work all the time; strike that, she still works all the time.  Back then the hours were just a bit more damaging.  I would sit, droned at home, waiting for her Lincoln to roll up on our driveway so I could greet her as soon as she stepped foot into our home. 

When she did, nothing felt better.  I never looked forward to anything the way I looked forward to that moment.  That single moment of perfection was well worth the wait.

But one day, it was too much.  She came home after an unusually long day, exhausted.  And I pounced.  I jumped on her and wouldn’t let go.  I couldn't stop kissing her. 

You’re smothering me!

I had no concept of what that meant.  No concept of space, distance, or that void you anticipate after a long day spent with stale company.

Can I smother you, mom?

This didn’t go over so well.  I ran to my room and couldn’t sleep that night for the fear of my thoughts disabled me.

From that day forward, I haven't been able to be that affectionate.  Never without doubting myself. 

These things happen.


Anonymous said...

I dig you Christine.

Anonymous said...

When she tells you that she loves you, don't pretend you didn't hear her

chrissstttiiine said...

Oh no, I know she loves me. Now that I'm older, she's incredibly affectionate towards me. She was back then as well. It was just that one incident

Anonymous said...

Good to hear. That happened to me once, and I still regret not acknowledging it/acting like i didn't hear it