God Grew Tired of Me

5:47 a.m. and I can't fall back asleep.

I spent the majority of yesterday and the night before then trying my best to forget about the problems which lie ahead.  You know, the mind can easily be convinced if you allow it.  So I did all I could to remind myself of my worth.  I took the day off work because nothing could possibly make time pass by slower than to remain somewhere time stood still.

Forgive me if I'm not making any sense, I believe I'm still drunk.

In any case, I did what I could for myself.  Took the day off to spend with a good friend at a theme park I haven't been to since...well I can't remember.  But no matter how hard I tried, without fail, I'd end up with my thoughts.  What a terrible place to end.  

So of course by nightfall, I try my best not to be stupid and just man up.  Just don't drink tonight, Christine.  You'll do something you won't be so fond of when tomorrow morning arrives.  But of course, in unfamiliar territory, what do you do to feel normal?  Well, what everyone else does.  So drank, I did.  Spent the entire night doing a terrible impersonation of myself.  And need I mention the countless cigarettes I inhaled.  You know, I was doing so well.  I haven't had one in a week.  But of course; quit, and you'll come back stronger.  

And in that moment of failure, of course, I did the most irrational thing I could possibly do.  I handed my phone to a new friend (still a stranger whose name I can't even recall) and she immediately dropped it in the deepest part of a COLD, COLD salt water pool.  All I could think of doing was dive in and fetch it.  And that, I did.  She sure as hell wouldn't have done it.  

I honestly thought things were looking up because the day was almost over.

The more I learn, the lonelier I feel.