5.04.2017

reek of bad faith

I've been carrying around this weight for the past couple weeks; it's the feeling of having your heart broken but not in a romantic way--it's an anxiety that is just almost unbearable which is making it barely bearable.  A desperation that creeps up on you at odd hours and the most inconvenient times...it's a feeling of lost that envelopes you and changes your outlook quicker than you can begin to understand.  The most uncomfortable part is that the feeling I know isn't fully there.  To be honest, I kept blaming on my period thinking these mood swings will quiet but it's only getting more and more obvious.  

How can a feeling so stale be this consuming?  

You know I spoke to a doctor about this; and we know it's not depression.  Depression is having nothing to live for; everything here is worth fighting for.  I know that right now in this very moment, I am the happiest I've ever been in my life.  For the first time in my life I am in complete control of everything I do and want to do.  For the first time in my life I'm not looking forward to my day off.  I'm not over planning, definitely not overthinking.  For the first time in my life, I actually have a real relationship with my family and friends--I'm making time for everyone and really enjoying it.  

Why do I still feel unsettled?  When will this end?

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