would my younger self be proud of me today?

i always thought that by the time i reached 30, i'd settle down, get married, and buy a house.  and with all the money i've saved and the friendships i've made, my younger self would be stoked but damn i feel so lost.  this mental health journey is a funny thing, isn't it?

i have to keep reminding myself that every thought i've processed is not always completely true -- like a fake british accent; it's still english, yeah?

let that loneliness you feel sink in; let it seep into your bones.  allow yourself  to feel increasingly alone.

if "all you need is love", then why isn't it easier for the rest of us?

i can't recall the last time i felt truly loved; truly wanted.  even by myself.

i can't remember the last time i felt emotionally satisfied.  it's so draining.

lots of people are in pain in all sorts of ways so i really have nothing to be sad about.  i'm so selfish for letting myself indulge in this feeling.  why do i let my mind drift in such troubling thoughts?  it's like a vital spark inside me has been extinguished.  to be the person no one's rooting for -- you know the feeling.  it visits me frequently, but especially every morning.  i can't even escape it in my sleep -- i have nightmares night after night.  i'm so tired of this feeling.  isn't sleep the cure for all catastrophes?

i need a vacation away from myself; absence defines importance, yeah?

1 comment:

rosa rouge said...

girl, i know the feel