chrissstttiiine

2:15 on Wednesday, April 10th -- I was driving on the SB 2 just past the 5 on-ramp when I saw a motorcyclist coming up from behind me speed while switching from the right to the far left lane.  

It was a dry, warm, windy day and the road from that bend on the freeway was empty.  Must’ve felt like a chance to gun it from his point of view.

I remember thinking “damn this guy is looking to get hurt” and immediately as he passed me, I watched him run into the guardrail, his body was like how you would imagine a rag doll flopping over the rail and his bike shot up 200-300 feet.  Cars started to stop where his motorcycle landed, his helmet few to the far right lane of the freeway.  

I must’ve been the only person who saw this as it happened cause I got out of my car and started running the opposite direction to where his bike landed.  I was running and looking over the guardrail and my heart sunk when I saw there was an overpass.  What if he fell over?  But then I saw his body quickly after that thought.  His tee shirt pulled over his back.  I didn’t see his face.  I just knew he was young.  

I keep replaying this image over and over again in my head and the more I think about it, the more I’m starting to believe this must have been suicide.  Why in the world would anyone take a bike out on a windy day, fly over 100 mph, not buckle his helmet, aim at an overpass, and wear what he was wearing (from what I can remember, just a tee).  Why would anyone do that?  I can't help but think that that thought that went through my head lead to his death.  

Isn't this related to the law of attraction somehow?  I feel like every major negative thought I have leads to an execution of sorts and I can't help but blame myself for this.  The man who did my taxes for over a decade passed a way after I thought "damn, he's getting so old..what would I do once he passes?" I know it isn't related but I can't help but think this way.  It's been eating at me and I feel so guilty.

People aren't as immortal as I've always thought and yet I go and live with so much aimless anger.