diaries and journals after an epic yard sale

You know I didn't think I was much of a hoarder until this very moment after a couple beers and cleaning out the rest of my space after an epic yard sale.  I would never call a yard sale "epic" but there are no other words to describe this thing my friends and I did this past weekend.

I'm clearing out the back of my closet and DAMN I still have diaries and journals from my preteen, maybe even elementary years.  I just flipped through a couple pages and it is fucking brutal.

That said, I remember the last time I thought of these diaries and journals and told myself to burn them but somehow I am holding them in my hands at this very moment.  I'm going to be 30 this year.  Why am I holding on to my childhood self when I just gave my wardrobe away this weekend for FREE.99 (FREEdollars if you're Phil Nisco).

Then I thought of the last time I crossed these diaries -- it was about 2 or 3 years ago when I loaded them in my car after moving from LB to LA and had these all in a crate and Ian begged me (after a few months or so) to get a much needed car wash and so I did but I had to empty out my car somewhere so I did so in his spare bedroom.  I'm a true fucking pisces cause they say that we are cripplingly trusting cause I told myself he wouldn't read them.  I was wrong.  How did I not see that coming?  More so, why did I feel so ashamed and apologetic?  That was who I was and I was so so embarrassed.

People ask me all the time if I ever delete videos cause I've been on YouTube for over decade and it was a major "coming of age" situation for me and to be honest, I wouldn't even think of it.  All those cringe worthy moments, well rehearsed thoughts, bad bad haircuts...that was and is who I am and what makes me ME.

This is the year of self love cause godfuckingdamn we all deserve to be proud of who we are no matter how embarrassing, how awkward, or how sometimes I feel so unloveable -- this is the year I'm going to work towards rewarding myself with positive thoughts.

I know no one reads this cause the count shows on the backend but I am a little drunk (I've had two Tecates, I never drink but fuck, it was like in 2 or 3 hours!  Every time I say "but fuck", I always think of "butt fuck").

In any case, here's to YOU (cracking open another beer) -- YOU are worth it.  YOU are worth being loved by YOU no matter how painful you can and will sometimes get.



Anonymous said...

YES, you rock!

Anonymous said...

I love your writing, it's open and raw and relatable. When I saw your yard sale I immediately thought you should open your own shop. With your experience and taste I'm sure it would be awesome.

Anonymous said...

Right now it is 12:54AM on a Friday night and I'm randomly perusing your blog and I find reading your writing is strangely comforting. It feels so familiar, honest, and open. Your writing is really very lovely even if it is "word vomit", which everybody needs every now and then. Thank you for sharing these personal thoughts and feelings so openly. Take care.

Lulu D. said...

I'm so glad I remembered that you had a blog and you posted this. I have the same problems when it comes to being moire forgiving to myself. I;m way too hard on myself and need to accept my faults. Finding this in this point of my life is a sure sign that I have to keep going in the direction of self forgiveness and especially self love.

I hope we all become more forgiving with ourselves.

Anonymous said...

wow i loved this post. honestly made me tear up a bit. made me realize i need to be more kind to myself and who i am. we has humans will never be fully satisfied with who we are, or were, but we need to take a step back and realize that imperfection can be perfection in someone else's eyes, or better, they see our imperfections and love us more. so we should do the same, see our imperfections, and learn to accept them and love them a little more.